NOTE: This is a parody. Don't take us seriously. Lianne (cheerfully): No one ever does, anyway! Amethist (wearing a Santa hat): Why, hello there! I hope everyone is having a fine holiday season! Lianne and I just wanted to say happy holidays to...hey, where is she? Lianne? (looks around). Oh, there you are. Come on out! Lianne (behind the stage): NO!!!! Amethist (crossing arms): Are you still upset about your outfit? Lianne: YES!!! Amethist: But you look cute! Lianne: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO! And it's NOT FUNNY, AMETHIST! Amethist (looking innocent): Do? I'm insulted! What could I be trying to do to YOU? Lianne: Trying to make me look like a fool so you can get me killed by that weird guy that sits on the corner of Main Street and talks about how he's going to kill all professional wrestlers so you can inherit my mangas! Amethist: Now, you KNOW I'd never do that. Come out! Lianne: NO!!!! Amethist (sighs): Fine. BOYS!!!! Two hired strong arms pick Lianne up and throw her to the middle of the stage. Amethist helps her to stand, smiling sweetly. Amethist: Now, you don't need to be embarrased. Lianne is dressed like a reindeer, with huge antlers that weigh down her head stapled to her skull, a fuzzy "fur" suit covered in lint balls and half-eaten by moths (GUESS who forgot to put the mothballs in the box when putting it away last year?) and a flashing red nose (the flashing needs batteries, so the battery is taped to her forehead). She crosses her arms angrily. Lianne: I hate you. Amethist: I already knew that, sweetie. (Turns to audience) Well, as I said, in the spirit of the holiday season Lianne and I just wanted to wish you all very happy holidays! We apologize for being a bit late with this - we were too busy watching our new anime videos last week to write this. Lianne: WOOHOO! EVANGELION-ATHON!!! Amethist: However, belated as this may be, we have a special holiday treat for you! Lianne and I have been working our little brains all week and we have come up with some FINE holiday music for you! Lianne: Actually, we both drank a LOT of root beer and climbed a mountain into a thin air atmosphere for inspiration. Unfortunately, we passed out and I later woke up on a steamboat headed for Venezuela. Amethist: And I had joined the Gay Men's Choir. Don't ask me HOW... Lianne: Anyway, here's some music for you. Enjoy! Amethist: Happy Holidays! Baka-Shojo-Otaku Inc. Presents... SAILOR MOON HOLIDAY MUSIC!!!! Brought to you by the two degenerates Lianne and Amethist! WARNING: May contain a bit of swearing. *Sailor Moon and all its characters are copyright Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha Ltd./Toei (no, not TOY) Animation, Co., Ltd. and the English adaptation is copyright 1995 DIC productions, LP. These song lyrics are copyright Lianne Sentar and Amethist Tomoe, December 1997. The original songs and lyrics are copyright some other people, whom we don't know. But I'm sure they're very nice people, who wouldn't bother to sue us and get absolutely nothing out of it. Amethist: These are for those lonely winter nights sitting by a fire and feeling lonely... Lianne: Or, just as effectively, when you're standing on a crowded New York subway and feel like anoying people... Amethist: For you to SING YOUR HEART OUT in a place OTHER than in the shower! Great for parties! And for the middle of boring assemblies at school and stupid meetings at work! People'll give you money! Lianne: It is suggested you sing these in their proper order if you're performing them at a talent show or in the middle of the street for nickles because some follow each other and will make better sense. Amethist: Then again, who cares about sense? Lianne: To let you know now, we're not too FOND of Michiru, so she's basically the victim of some of these songs. But please, no flames - we make fun of LOTS of people, whether we love them or hate them. We're not descriminatory, we just make fun of EVERYONE. And we'd never REALLY like to see Michiru go through some of the stuff we put her through. Unless, of course, she started flirting with Mamoru AGAIN... Amethist: Now sing! NOW! WARNING: This first song is kinda graphically violent. If you're under six, start running. Song #1- "Let's all kill Michiru!" (Sung to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing") Put Michiru in a box, Send her to Antarctica, Let loose wolves to eat her remains, The white snow holds bloody stains We don't like her - let's go killing, Rip her teeth out through the filling Push her off a real high cliff, Grab one of her earlobes and rip, Tear her brains out through her nose, That's the way mob killing goes (2nd verse) Tear her hair out by the roots, Trample her with army boots, Stuff her in an old-tyme oven, Grab the knob and turn it on, She's so snotty - let's go get her! Dump her in an acid river Tie to her to some dynamite, She's the fireworks at night, Blow her up inside a tube, In other words - KILL MICHIRU!!!!! please no one take that personally - it's the base for the rest of the songs Song #2 - "It's Haruka!!! RUN!!!!" (Sung to the tune of the extended "Jingle Bells" [You know - starting with "Dashing Through the Snow]) Walking down the street, A sportscar stopping by, Out come two big feet, A glint within her eye, She grabs into her coat, Pulls out a cattle prod, You know she's cracked and gone insane, Remember - smile and nod! OH, Ring them bells, ring them bells, Haruka's on her way, Lock your door, Grab your gun, Prepare to blow her away, HEY! Ring them bells, ring them bells, Haruka's comin' for you, 'Cause you insulted her car and killed her Michiru! (2nd verse) Now you're running away, But she is close behind, Don't even think to stay, Her teeth you can hear grind, She's got a bazooka, She put in an old shoe, She just put on her distance specs and points the gun for you, OH, Ring them bells, ring them bells, Haruka's gonna come! Better jump into a cab and watch out for her gun, HEY! Ring them bells, ring them bells, Haruka's finally whacked, Don't even dare to look behind She's gone and now's a quack! (3rd verse) Maybe it was the milk, You gave her yesterday, That had gone bad and smelt, That sent her on her way, Maybe it was the duck, That bit her on the nose, But anyway she's GONE INSANE And after you she goes! OH, Ring them bells, ring them bells, Haruka's now a loon, She barged through Macy's Day Parade and popped the big balloon, HEY! Ring them bells, ring them bells, Haruka's gonna kill, I'm sorry but I have to say You better write your will! Song #3 - "Michiru Doesn't Get it, Apparently..." (Sung to the theme of the Dreidel Song) I know a girl with no brain, She's such a green-haired priss, She sits all day and ponders How to join Project M.I.T.H.! Mi -chiru -chiru -chiru, I wish you'd get a life You seem to never get it - Mamoru's got a wife! Song #4 - "Man, Y'know I WOULD try them, but I'm REALLY Stuffed..." (Sung to the theme of "Oh Silent Night") Open the door, Open the door, Usagi don't cook no more, All the gases are making me choke, I can't breathe with all this smoke, Cookies don't have to be made Just leave the stove alone. Song #5 - "I Wouldn't Have Killed Michiru If I Knew You'd All Be So MAD About it..." (Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas") On the first day of Christmas Luna gave to me, A death threat for killing Michi (No, not YOU, Michi - Michi stands for Michiru in this song) On the second day of Christmas Usagi gave to me, Two roadkill rabbits, And a death threat for killing Michi (You're actually MAD?!) On the third day of Christmas Mamoru gave to me, Three wilted roses, Two roadkill rabbits (WHAT?!) And a death threat for killing Michi (You're kidding, right?) On the fourth day of Christmas Ami gave to me, Four anti-matter bombs, Three wilted roses (Mamo-chan?! How COULD you!) Two roadkill rabbits (That's just DEMONIC) And a death threat for killing Michi (But the question is - is what I did WRONG?!) On the fifth day of Christmas Makoto gave to me, Five poisoned cakes... Four anti-matter bombs (The box says "Don't open till X-Mas...") Three wilted roses (Maybe I should get a vase...) Two roadkill rabbits (Aw, MAN! They're flat and everything...sniff) And a death threat for killing Michi (I thought you guys didn't LIKE her!) On the sixth day of Christmas Rei gave to me, Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead Five poisoned cakes...(Mmmm...chocolate frosting) Four anti-matter bombs (Why is the box ticking?) Three wilted roses (All they need is water...THAT'S it! Heheh...heh...unn.) Two roadkill rabbits (ECCHH! They're all BLOODY!) And a death threat for killing Michi (Aw, and in WRITING?! Are you TRYING to make me feel extra rejected?) On the seventh day of Christmas Minako gave to me, Seven volleyballs spiked at my head Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead (OW! Don't push the stapler so HARD!) Five poisoned cakes...(But they SMELL OK...) Four anti-matter bombs (It's got a clock attatched to the box...) Three wilted roses (Now THAT'S a death threat of I ever saw one...) Two roadkill rabbits (That's CRUEL AND INHUMANE!!!!) And a death threat for killing Michi (Didn't you find her ANNOYING though?) On the eighth day of Christmas Artemis gave to me, Eight used boxes of kitty litter, Seven volleyballs spiked at my head (Crap - and she's got GOOD AIM...) Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead (Are you trying to tell me something with this?) Five poisoned cakes...(Lianne: Maybe I'll leave them in the fridge for Amethist...) Four anti-matter bombs (The card says "DIE!!!!!!" Now THAT'S not very nice.) Three wilted roses (That just makes me feel REALLY low...) Two roadkill rabbits (I think I'm gonna cry...) And a death threat for killing Michi (But she didn't like pinball! That's a SURE sign that she's evil!!) On the ninth day of Christmas Setsuna gave to me, Nine bashes on the head with the Time Staff, Eight used boxes of kitty litter (Now I REALLY don't want that) Seven volleyballs spiked at my head (Maybe if I dive out of the way...) Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead (Ha ha, very funny...) Five poisoned cakes...(I think they're green banana cakes...) Four anti-matter bombs (Maybe I shouldn't drop this...) Three wilted roses (I think he left the thorns in on PURPOSE...) Two roadkill rabbits (Don't make me look at those any more, PLEASE...) And a death threat for killing Michi (C'mon! She tried to kill Usagi, like, four times!) On the tenth day of Christmas Hotaru gave to me, Ten possessed teddy bears (You know - like towards the end of SMS?) Nine bashes on the head with the Time Staff (Well, it's better than zaps...) Eight used boxes of kitty litter (Amethist: I'll save this for Lianne's Valentine's Day present!) Seven volleyballs spiked at my head (Look over there! It's Yaten! I'm serious - turn around!) Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead (Does this mean I can't come to the shrine anymore?) Five poisoned cakes...(Maybe the FROSTING'S OK...) Four anti-matter bombs (Hmmm..."This side up"...) Three wilted roses (Aww...does this mean he's sad? Like in E.T.? [snicker]) Two roadkill rabbits (They actually might look nice on my wall...) And a death threat for killing Michi (Well, in my opinion she even STUNK at the violin so THERE!!!) On the eleventh day of Christmas Chibi-Usa gave to me, Eleven stupid hats that fly off easily while playing Ten possessed teddy bears (Uggghhh [shiver] That's CREEPY! Then again, so's her family...) Nine bashes on the head with the Time Staff ([ZAP ZAP!!!] OWCH!! Spoke to soon...) Eight used boxes of kitty litter (I think I'm gonna be sick...) Seven volleyballs spiked at my head (Man, did you put ROCKS in those balls?!) Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead (Well, Grampa likes me better than you, anyhow!) Five poisoned cakes...(I'm kinda hungry, maybe I should try a BITE...) Four anti-matter bombs (The ribbon's actually just electric tape...) Three wilted roses (OW! Got hit on the head with the cane for my LAST remark...) Two roadkill rabbits (Maybe if I STUFF them they'll look alive and I'll stop CRYING...) And a death threat for killing Michi (That HAIR - what'd she do, cut it with a lawnmower?) On the twelth day of Christmas Haruka gave to me, Just sing Song #2. That should say enough. Eleven stupid hats that fly off easily while playing (Why oh WHY couldn't hers have blown off into heavy traffic for once...) Ten possessed teddy bears (But they're still kinda cute...) Nine bashes on the head with the Time Staff (I'll steal your time keys! So help me, I'll steal 'em!) Eight used boxes of kitty litter (With "Garden Fresh" scentalizer that's NOT helping...) Seven volleyballs spiked at my head (Forget it. Where's my football helmet?) Six Anti-Evil Parchments stapled to my forehead (I guess now all of Tokyo knows I'm evil and should be killed on site, huh?) Five poisoned cakes...(Forget it. I'll get a pizza.) Four anti-matter bombs (I'll open it CAREFULLY...) Three wilted roses (For my ex-boyfriend on his next birthday!) Two roadkill rabbits (BINGO!!!!!) And a death threat for killing Michi (All right, all right, I get the hint. So I'll go reimburse her family for the loss, all right? Geesh, you people are PUSHY...) Lianne (still wearing the ridiculous costume): Well, there you have it! Hope we didn't scare anyone! Amethist: Well, I think that's inevitable... Lianne: Now you can memorize these and sing them with all your friends, and everyone will think you're insane! Amethist: Just like us! Lianne: We're just psychotic, not dangerous, so we can even live by ourselves now! Amethist: And just to show you what a wonderful country the USA is, we, two known sociopaths, have managed to start our own company to produce FINE products for the community! Lianne: We are the heads of Baka-Shojo-Otaku Inc, the COOLEST company in this solar system!!!! And we keep cookies on the job! Amethist: YAY!! COOKIES!!! Lianne: Ja ne, minna! Keep singing deranged, morbid music that'll get you locked up! Amethist: It's fun! We do it ALL the time! It's fun! It's scary! It's great at U.N. Meetings! It's insane! You should be sedated for listening to it! THEY should be sedated for starting it! It's BAKA-SHOJO-OTAKU INC!!!!! It's the ONLY place where you can actually act like a mentally deranged criminal and not get arrested! And it's coming for YOU in the middle of the night! With a big knife! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Nun inside a cage: RUN!!! RUN BEFORE THEY GET YOU, TOO!!!! Amethist: Be quiet! Do you want food tonight or not?!